Relatives

The grandparents from Queensland have rocked up in their Ferrari for their once-in-a-decade visit.

My grandfather is fun! He makes me laugh. The other one is the opposite.

My grandmother is the devil. No, seriously. She has the devil’s eyes, man, the devil’s eyes. When her face pops through the door you feel like your heart is being stabbed by a million knives. And she calls you her ‘prince’. She is the epitome of SNOBBY. You can’t do anything without her glaring at you just like her retarded cat with no hair.

Having lunch is torture. I reach out to get something from across the table and she YELLS at me. Seriously, she yells at me. “YOU ASK IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ACROSS THE TABLE!” Shit man, sorree! And of course, you can’t have your elbows on the table or anything. And don’t even think of accidentally dropping a piece of chicken schnitzel.

Then after lunch, she backs me into a corner (literally) and then proceeds to interrogate me as to why I never call her. “Uh, because you’re painful to talk to, you’re extremely annoying and calling you is pure torture?” is what I wanted to say. Instead, I just went, “Uh… I dunno… um… uh…”

She also brought along her dear old opinionated sister Tammy, who went on and on about how she got some rocks from some holy place and it help cured her son. If I had those rocks I’d throw them at her.

She also apologized for not coming to my nonno’s funeral (on the heaps-more friendly side of the family). She says she was sick with pleurisy for ages but I think she’s really just getting botox then her face swells up then she has to hide for 6 months.

I hate people

You know what I hate? People, because people annoy the shit out of me, because most people only think of themselves, especially people at shopping centres who are walking and then just STOP for no reason, and look through their trolley or their handbag, and I’m like, “argh!” and have to walk around then. And also people who see someone they know, so they stop and the other person stops and they’re reminiscing about how aunt Agatha had her 6th baby, and how Ted moved back from America because he didn’t like the food. And meanwhile I’m standing there with a trolley with a bloody broken wheel and I have to try to get the trolley moving sideways then attempt to get it to stop moving sideways then apologize profusely to some random lady who just appeared out of nowhere…

And speaking of shops, I hate people. Stupid people at the shops right before Christmas who’ve forgotten to buy their Auntie Sue a flowerpot, so they’re racing around in Big W with no consideration for other people at ALL…

And BANKS. I opened a bank account yesterday… after about 2 hours of waiting in the stupid line. Have I mentioned I hate people? Especially bank people. Because the line was full of old people, and I’ve got nothing against old people in general, but OH MY GOD these stupid bank people were all like, “Guarda questo ragazzo, non ha rispetto per l’altra gente…” and I just felt like saying, “Excuse me, one; I understand Italian you puttana, and two; it’s not my fault that the line just happens to go right past the only chair in the bank, it’s not my fault that my current position is next to the only chair in the bank, and it’s not my fault you can’t squeeze your fat ass past me and the deposit counter to get to the only chair in the bank.” But I’m not mean like that, so I just squished against the wall to let this woman past, whilst saying sorry.

And my neighbours are dickheads. Especially the people across the road who have guests over until 3AM then they all honk their horns unnecessarily and race down the road in their annoyingly loud car.

Movies & random ranting

I saw the movie 2012 the other day. AND I LIKED IT. *gasp shock horror* “Dom! How could you like it! Don’t you think it’s a horrible movie with a stupid plot and many scientific innacuracies?!” Yeah, well, STFU. It was visually satisfying – the effects were awesome, and the plot wasn’t that bad. Really. Not all movies have to be Schindler’s Lists or The Godfathers.

I hate cinemas. Sure, it’s a cool experience what with the bloody GIANT screen and surround sound and all, but the people there piss me off. Like the people behind us whilst I was watching 2012 – “Oh yeah, as if THAT would happen,” “Psh, neutrinos? That doesn’t even make any sense!” YOUR MUM doesn’t make sense, you annoying moron!

And I also hate people who check their phone through the ENTIRE movie. Those people who are like, “Oh, well, Los Angeles is only crumbling into the ocean and a tidal wave is only going over the himalayas, I think I’ll check the time and message my boyfriend for no apparent reason.” *pulls phone out, creating an enormously bright light that illuminates and annoys the entire row of people.* And the people who don’t turn their phone off, so this happens:

Lead Character: “There’s a secret… that I haven’t told you… and it is that -” *RING RING RING* “HELLO?!?! I’M IN THE MOOOOOVIE! THE MOOOOOVIE! CALL BACK LATER!” Lead Character’s Wife: “OH MY GOD YOU SERIOUS?!” and I’m left sitting there going, “wtf?!”

And OH! I mentioned surround sound earlier. This may sound weird but SURROUND SOUND FREAKS ME OUT, MAN. Like in Harry Potter 6. It’s in the middle of the movie, and I’m just sitting there watching the movie when I hear this OWL RIGHT BEHIND ME. Bloody hell, just because you can with your fancy Dolby or whatever, doesn’t mean you have to freak out HALF THE AUDIENCE! (Okay… only me… but still…)

On the topic of movies…

YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A CAR! YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A HANDBAG! YOU WOULDN’T STEAL A MOVIE!!!!!!!!

I’m sure you’ve all seen that badass anti-piracy ad that comes on whenever you buy a DVD. Bloody hell, did you see how fast that girl was downloading that movie? Shit man, if there was a site where I could download movies at that speed, stuff your ‘piracy is stealing’ shit, gimme the link! And what about that girl cancelling it before it finishes. What a waste of bandwidth, man! Seriously, we get charged bloody $800 for 20GB and she goes downloading 90% of a movie with incredible speed, then cancels it. Idiot.

Why am I getting this message, anyway? If I’m viewing the DVD, I obviously didn’t steal it. Idiots. And no, I wouldn’t steal a car, but if I could download it off the internet, hell yeah I would.

El Dentisto (or My First Filling!™)

I guess all the coke finally paid off because today I finally got the chance to get a filling! Oh the joy.

I turn up at the dentist, and he’s all like, “yeah, lucky we had this xray bro, lol, otherwise we’d never have noticed the hole in your tooth aye, lmao, we got it before your whole tooth rotted away mofo, lmao, I rock, aye?” but of course he didn’t say it like that. Basically, my teeth don’t change colour. Or something, I don’t know, he says that it’s hard to find holes in my teeth.

So I’m sitting in the chair, and he’s like, poking giant mirrors into my mouth, and going, “Hmm, yes, yessssss, I see what we have here… a tiny little hole in your back tooth,” and I’m like, “oh great.” So he’s like to his assistant, “I’ll need some Antiquozuile-Enirpolaxi-Yapolytitaxle anaesthesia, the micro-particle one that will enable me to numb selected portions of his mouth so that his tongue doesn’t go numb…” and all I care about is the giant NEEDLE he’s preparing to stick in my mouth…

So he takes the giant needle, goes, “this might sting a bit,” and then puts it in my mouth. It didn’t sting much surprisingly, which was good. Then he’s like, “ok, it’ll take a while for your mouth to go numb, so I’ll get started on your mother,” (lol, DON’T.) So he takes her to the other room and takes an x-ray of her, and tells his wife to come and sit with me whilst I’m waiting for the anaesthesia to come into effect. So I’m sitting in the dentist’s chair with an increasingly numb chin whilst the dentist’s wife is smiling at me eerily, then starts telling me about how she’s going to Cairns but her husband isn’t. She then starts asking me all these questions on what it’s like living with my grandparents, and I’m like, “Um… I don’t… live… with my grandparents…”

Finally the dentist comes back and puts on a mask and shines that stupid light into my mouth, then gets the scary mouth-vacuum and starts sucking up my tongue or something… then he like, starts drilling my tooth with a $50 cordless drill from Bunnings… nah, just kidding, it wasn’t cordless. The assistant is still hell-bent on trying to suck up my tongue with the mouth-vacuum that she’s oh-so-carefully shoving into my mouth… Then he gets a gun out and starts putting it in my mouth whilst the assistant takes a break from vacuuming and holds up a little orange bit of plastic. Wouldn’t this make a good abstract story? He then puts a ring around my tooth (?) and then manages to get my lip caught in a clamp.

I might add that I’m a gagger. A really bad gagger. And if anyone starts sticking stuff down my throat, I start to choke, and this is often followed up by projectiling vomit at the person in question. It’s a highly sophisticated defence mechanism, but unfortunately does not bode well when it’s the dentist that is shoving stuff down my throat. Lucky, the anaesthesia prevented me from feeling anything, thus ensured I did not vomit on the dentist, unlike the time the orthodontist tried cleaning my teeth and got a nice shower of the chips I had for lunch. Oddly enough, I never got a checkup reminder from him again.

So after he’s sucked up my tongue and drilled my tooth and clamped my lip and shot me in the mouth, he’s like, “okay, take a rinse for me.” So I drink out of the cup that’s sitting next to me, and go to gargle the water around in my mouth. Except that I seem to have lost control of the left side of my mouth due to the anaesthesia, and thus end up spitting the water all over the floor.

Then it’s all over, and on the way out, he’s like, “Oh! Have you bought tickets for the annual Koi Fish Club Raffle? There’s this bike on offer!” and gestures to a tiny bike that’s probably for a 7-year-old. He goes, “People think this raffle’s rigged, because last year my daughter won, but it isn’t.” and we’re like, “pshhyeah, okay, we’ll buy five tickets.” He then gives us a five dollar discount on his excessively-overpriced fees so that we can pay for the tickets.

Then we go to Maccas to have lunch and I get a Big Mac meal (yes, with coke. I’ve learnt alot) and go driving home whilst I’m eating the chips. Then I see a sports bus from my school (because it’s sports day) driving on the other side of the road. Luckily, it didn’t pull up beside me at a traffic light, like that one time where I was next to the bus, and saw people in my grade who were watching me stuff my face with a Big Mac.

Then I got upset because I missed Ellen, but then felt better because I watched Are You Being Served. And that’s that.

The Dentists

I don’t get that thing they do on toothpaste ads, where they go, “Get the clean feeling you get from a dentist!” because whenever I go to a dentist, he puts this stupid, disgusting “fluoride treatment” that makes my teeth look like they’ve got orange mould growing over them, and says “You can’t eat, drink or talk for the next hour.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that whenever I go to brush my teeth.