El Dentisto (or My First Filling!™)

I guess all the coke finally paid off because today I finally got the chance to get a filling! Oh the joy.

I turn up at the dentist, and he’s all like, “yeah, lucky we had this xray bro, lol, otherwise we’d never have noticed the hole in your tooth aye, lmao, we got it before your whole tooth rotted away mofo, lmao, I rock, aye?” but of course he didn’t say it like that. Basically, my teeth don’t change colour. Or something, I don’t know, he says that it’s hard to find holes in my teeth.

So I’m sitting in the chair, and he’s like, poking giant mirrors into my mouth, and going, “Hmm, yes, yessssss, I see what we have here… a tiny little hole in your back tooth,” and I’m like, “oh great.” So he’s like to his assistant, “I’ll need some Antiquozuile-Enirpolaxi-Yapolytitaxle anaesthesia, the micro-particle one that will enable me to numb selected portions of his mouth so that his tongue doesn’t go numb…” and all I care about is the giant NEEDLE he’s preparing to stick in my mouth…

So he takes the giant needle, goes, “this might sting a bit,” and then puts it in my mouth. It didn’t sting much surprisingly, which was good. Then he’s like, “ok, it’ll take a while for your mouth to go numb, so I’ll get started on your mother,” (lol, DON’T.) So he takes her to the other room and takes an x-ray of her, and tells his wife to come and sit with me whilst I’m waiting for the anaesthesia to come into effect. So I’m sitting in the dentist’s chair with an increasingly numb chin whilst the dentist’s wife is smiling at me eerily, then starts telling me about how she’s going to Cairns but her husband isn’t. She then starts asking me all these questions on what it’s like living with my grandparents, and I’m like, “Um… I don’t… live… with my grandparents…”

Finally the dentist comes back and puts on a mask and shines that stupid light into my mouth, then gets the scary mouth-vacuum and starts sucking up my tongue or something… then he like, starts drilling my tooth with a $50 cordless drill from Bunnings… nah, just kidding, it wasn’t cordless. The assistant is still hell-bent on trying to suck up my tongue with the mouth-vacuum that she’s oh-so-carefully shoving into my mouth… Then he gets a gun out and starts putting it in my mouth whilst the assistant takes a break from vacuuming and holds up a little orange bit of plastic. Wouldn’t this make a good abstract story? He then puts a ring around my tooth (?) and then manages to get my lip caught in a clamp.

I might add that I’m a gagger. A really bad gagger. And if anyone starts sticking stuff down my throat, I start to choke, and this is often followed up by projectiling vomit at the person in question. It’s a highly sophisticated defence mechanism, but unfortunately does not bode well when it’s the dentist that is shoving stuff down my throat. Lucky, the anaesthesia prevented me from feeling anything, thus ensured I did not vomit on the dentist, unlike the time the orthodontist tried cleaning my teeth and got a nice shower of the chips I had for lunch. Oddly enough, I never got a checkup reminder from him again.

So after he’s sucked up my tongue and drilled my tooth and clamped my lip and shot me in the mouth, he’s like, “okay, take a rinse for me.” So I drink out of the cup that’s sitting next to me, and go to gargle the water around in my mouth. Except that I seem to have lost control of the left side of my mouth due to the anaesthesia, and thus end up spitting the water all over the floor.

Then it’s all over, and on the way out, he’s like, “Oh! Have you bought tickets for the annual Koi Fish Club Raffle? There’s this bike on offer!” and gestures to a tiny bike that’s probably for a 7-year-old. He goes, “People think this raffle’s rigged, because last year my daughter won, but it isn’t.” and we’re like, “pshhyeah, okay, we’ll buy five tickets.” He then gives us a five dollar discount on his excessively-overpriced fees so that we can pay for the tickets.

Then we go to Maccas to have lunch and I get a Big Mac meal (yes, with coke. I’ve learnt alot) and go driving home whilst I’m eating the chips. Then I see a sports bus from my school (because it’s sports day) driving on the other side of the road. Luckily, it didn’t pull up beside me at a traffic light, like that one time where I was next to the bus, and saw people in my grade who were watching me stuff my face with a Big Mac.

Then I got upset because I missed Ellen, but then felt better because I watched Are You Being Served. And that’s that.

The Dentists

I don’t get that thing they do on toothpaste ads, where they go, “Get the clean feeling you get from a dentist!” because whenever I go to a dentist, he puts this stupid, disgusting “fluoride treatment” that makes my teeth look like they’ve got orange mould growing over them, and says “You can’t eat, drink or talk for the next hour.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that whenever I go to brush my teeth.

Lying about the Weather

Because I have a weather application on my phone, I’ve become the sort of “weatherman” for the house, so when people want to know the weather, they come to me and go, “Dom, what’s the weather tomorrow?” and quite frankly, I’m a bit sick of it.

So now when they ask, “Dom, what’s the weather tomorrow?” I pretend to look at it, then make it up. Pity your plans to go to the beach were ruined because of my forecast of non-existent pouring rain! Mwuahahaha!

My Fish has been Abducted by Aliens

I think one of my fish has been abducted by aliens. Seriously, it’s just disappeared, and the rest are acting very oddly. Maybe they murdered him. I don’t want murderous fish in my room! Maybe the other fish are ALIENS! Oh great, now when I sleep they’re going to crawl (Walk? Fly? Jump?) out of their tank and attack me. Maybe I should put something on top of the fish tank. Oh that won’t help, will it? They probably shoot acid out of their eyes. Damn. I knew it was a bad idea getting these fish. Murderous cannibals, they are!

Oh wait, there’s the lil’ fella. He was hiding behind a rock.

My Essay

Yesterday, I aimed to get my Geography essay finished. After a whole day, this is my essay:

The population of Australia currently stands at around 22 million. Although this may seem like a rather large number, the actual amount of people in Australia isn’t that much! The government even wants more babies being born! I mean, heh, if I had 22 million people in my bedroom, I wouldn’t exactly be going, “Hey, that’s great guys, but we need more babies. So… chop chop!” Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Apparently, the population of Australia is “ageing”. Well duh, idiots. What do you expect, that we’re all getting younger? This poses a problem to the government. Maybe they should initiate a distribution of government-subsidised anti-ageing cream for all the citizens of Australia. Shit, I’m going off topic. What am I even supposed to talk about? “Below the replacement rate.” I don’t know why I wrote that. It probably has some geographical significance or something. I dunno, I’ll make up something. *ahem* The age of Australia’s population is below the replacement rate. Did I do it right? Oooh, I love this song. I’m filling the cracks that ran through the door and kept my mind from wondering… Eh, it’s boring. NEXT. Oooh, she’s leaving home. Wednesday morning at five o-clock as the day begins… silently closing her bedroom door, leaving the note that she hoped would say more… FUCK I should be at least attempting this essay. Well, the baby boomers are retiring. That’s a pity, who’s going to boom all the babies now? Women are having less children. Maybe that’s because they’re getting older. Gee, we need this anti-ageing cream pronto. Rah.. I can’t think. Did you know Australia has increased medical facilities? I know! It’s shocking! I thought we were still bloodletting people and exorcising people who had headaches! Gosh, where have I been the past CENTURY? Oooh, our life expectancy is higher. Maybe that’s because we’re not bloodletting anymore. Natural increase migration. McMigration. With extra asians. Oh, that’s just a tad racist, no? Well, I don’t think so. I’d be honoured if there was a McRussia meal. Or even a McArctic meal. I don’t live in the arctic, but it’d be awesome to get a toy eskimo and pair him up with the toy asian that came in the McMigration meal. ELECTRIC GUILLOTINES. Why has no one thought of this yet? Take an ordinary electronic car window, take it out of the car, attach a sword to the top, flip it upside down and use it as an electric guillotine. I don’t know why people look at me weird when I say that. Seriously, invention of the year. Or a solar-powered lawnmower. Or a solar-powered umbrella! Oh… Far out, I really need to try and get this essay done. Essay done. Like the sun. Essay done. I’m the one. Having fun. In the sun. Essay done. I should be a rapper. The Big D. Domenizzle. The Big Domenizzle. The Domeraptor. Carmen Domectra. Okay, when it turns to Carmen Electra, you know I’m getting bored. How can people think that SHE’S hot? She looks like Kerry-Anne!

I’ll get full marks!